Guilt Factor
by PikaCheeka
Summary: PART TWO IS UP. Finally! So go read. ^^ Nadil kidnaps Rath, intending to weaken his emotional and mental defenses enough to force information out of him, but what ends up coming out of his attempts is one of the last things he ever expected...
1. Default Chapter

I've been having severe trouble with writing for the last month or so and I don't really know why, so I don't even want to think about how many times I have worked on this only to delete what I had written in anger. This is the first chapter/part of my Rath x Nadil fic. I WILL have the entire thing done eventually [it's going to be long, and I have a lot of other fics I'm working on as well, so don't expect it next week], but because it may be the end of the summer by that time, I figured I'd get up a bit of it now so people. 

A/N*- This is technically my first DK fic [I started it first, but finished other things before this], and I am definitely taking my liberties with it...Going to tell you that right now before I get any nasty comments from people saying things like "But he would never do THAT!" I am also in no way responsible for giving away spoilers. Well, I am I guess, but if you read something that happens in book 12, don't get mad at me. Can't say I didn't warn you. There's also a few things in this that I figured out by reading books 1-7, then learned were confirmed in book 19. Meh…  
A/N 2*-I am taking liberty with three things in particular...1) The timeline. This takes place at no particular time, and the things that happen in it aren't necessarily ever going to happen in the manga. ^_^;; 2) Rath's dark secret and his past. I know some about it, but it's difficult to understand it entirely, so I'm gonna have some fun with it...

A/N 3*- I will be switching POVs…between Rath and Nadil, so just pay attention to when I say I'm switching. 0_o The parts will be short at first, only a page or three or so, but they will get longer as it proceeds.  
Rated R for lots of angst, blood, language, rape, violence, yaoi, all that good-er-bad stuff. Not so much in this chapter but it gets worse. Neh.  
Pairings: Prominent is Rath x Nadil...Nadil x Sabel is also here a lot 

Rath x Thatz and Rath x Kaistern are mentioned, but strictly shounen-ai  
Dedicated to my ne-chan, Celes!! It's her fault such horrible things happen in this fic!! And all my other buddies at the Dragon Knights mailing list [Nadil is mine, dammit!]  
  
Guilt Factor

By PikaCheeka [The Last Wraith, The Official Bishounen Pimp]

"...Even if a million people in the world need me,  
even if they would die for me,  
if the one I want doesn't want me,  
then I'd rather those million people died.  
If the one I need doesn't need me,  
what use would I be?  
If you are not with me,  
I hurt so much I can't breathe..."  
~ Koji Nanjo - ((Bronze))

  
  
  
///_It all started with one simple, stupid task. I should never have taken the task. If I hadn't been so naive and obsessed with smiting demons I probably wouldn't have even dared to take it, it was that dangerous. But I did, and it forever warped and ruined what pathetic, meandering life I had had.  
///Nobody wanted me to go. It was entirely up to me. Ruwalk even threatened to kill me if I went [very unlike him], but when I told him to go ahead and do just that he only got angry and embarrassed. Would have been better if he had killed me. But it was too late for that. It's surprising how many people will try to kill you until they find out that your life means nothing to you._

///There was a demon-or at least something acting much like a demon-that had broken down the barriers in a small town not very far from the castle and was wrecking havoc. The townspeople claimed it came over from the eastern woods and swept through their homes, killing everyone in it's path. Lykouleon realized almost immediately how dire the situation was. He and I were the only two who understood that it was not a normal demon, if it was a real one at all. There was something about it that radiated such a sick and deranged power that it was in no way a plain Yokai. That was why I wanted to kill it. I still felt like I owed the world something, even though Kaistern had died weeks ago. So I nominated myself to go, and forced my way out of the castle before anyone else could protest. I still regret that I never got to say goodbye to anyone. Especially Thatz…

///I have absolutely nothing to do here, where I am now, which I will come to. I just figured I ought to write down what happened before I ended up here….in case something happens to me and I don't live to get out. I doubt I will, and I don't know if I care. I just miss everyone, which I hate because it's such a weakness. Maybe it's a good thing Kai died before me. It's one less person who would be sad over my death. I'm in a castle now, or something like one. I can never really be sure of where I am, for the views out the windows will change every so often. It's quite beautiful here, and I think that's one of the things that is unnerving me the most. I don't know…Part of me thinks I died. Maybe I did. I almost want to stay here. There's nobody. Not a soul around. I've been here a week at least and I've seen no one at all. There are signs of a servant or something being around, for I always have food set out for me, yet that could be just about anything other than a human. It's boring though, and lonely. I never thought I would miss talking to people, but I do, and that worries me as well. I feel as if I am falling apart, separated from everyone like this. I miss having Thatz shove me around, having Rune scream at me for misbehaving every half-minute, having Lykouleon pampering me when he thinks nobody else is around, having Kai-stern's warm arms around me when I sleep…

///But what am I saying? He's dead.

///I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about what happened, because I don't remember any of it. I remember seeing the demon. He was tall and thin, wearing a mask much like Kirukulus', although he had immense wings sprouting from his back, three or five…some strange number. 

///I had attacked him with the usual amount of vigor and rage, and he was dead in…a minute? I don't even know. Two strikes, blood everywhere, raining down, evaporating as soon as it hit the air. But something strange…How could a demon reeking of such sheer power been wiped out after such a simple assault? It was just starting to dawn on me that something was wrong about the set-up when the damn thing re-materialized behind me, smashing me against a rock wall a good fifteen feet away with a beat of his demented wings.  
///An illusion. I fell for the easiest trick in the book...  
///I suppose I realized then how dead I was, because I saw that my sword was several feet beyond my reach and I didn't even care. I'd always chased demons with such a ferocity that everyone thought I was just fanatical. I wasn't. I just wanted an excuse to risk my life day in and day out, because I had always known that sooner or later, I would fall...sooner or later, I wouldn't get up again. I could finally die, and I would never feel the pain of living again. I remember looking up to meet the thing right in the hollow voids where there should have been eyes and smiling faintly, and claws wrapping around my throat, my whole body being wrenched off the ground, and everything going completely and utterly black.

///But it was no ordinary demon.

///I'm still alive. Any normal demon would have ripped me to shreds. Killed me and left me. The only person out there who seems to want me alive is Kharl, and this isn't how he works. He would have confronted me long before now, and I'd be in some dungeon somewhere being taunted by that nasty little human punk I know_ he screws every night. I don't know why Kharl wants me alive. I'm sort of afraid of him to be honest. I've seen enough living things, human, Yokai, demon, and otherwise, having their lives warped and ruined by his horrible experiments. And he does seem to have some sick interest in me anyway..._

///On another note...I didn't like where that thought was going. There's really not much to say on how I ended up here. I woke up in a bed, an extremely nice one at that, and still fully clothed [all the more reason to doubt Kharl is behind this]. There are four adjoining rooms here. A large living-room-like area with strangely-shaped windows, an open study directly attached to it, and a bedroom and bathroom, both [obviously] more closed off. It's extremely well furnished, obviously owned by someone rich and powerful. Or maybe just powerful, because despite Thatz's obsession, money does mean surprisingly little if you have strong enough magic. 

///I've been all over this place, tearing it apart, searching for clues as to where I am, who took me, and why the hell I am here. I'll admit that a large part of my mind suspects Nadil, but Nadil has spent the last few months desperately trying to kill me. Why would he just kidnap me now that he finally has me? He was never one to play games. And all the other times I ran into him he just wanted to see me a mangled, bloody mess at his feet immediately.

///Whoever dragged me here must know something about me though, for there is a large wardrobe, and everything fits me perfectly. Normally I would have found that disturbing, but the whole set-up is so damned strange I don't care. I also always have food, whenever I want it. There's a table in the living room in front of the window, and it seems that every time I turn around there is more to eat. All things I love too. And I'm not dead yet, so nothing is poisoned. There are books to read, but they give away nothing. They're just random histories of wars that have happened in the last few centuries, most in Elvish dialects, some in Yokai, and others in languages I have never even seen before. I did find this nice journal though...it's blank. That's why I'm using it. Of course, it's probably cursed and sucking out my life energy or something wonderful like that, but I don't really care. I need somebody, something even, to talk to around here. I loved the silence at first, once the tension wore away, once I understood that I could be here a while. But just yesterday, my seventh day here, the fear and helplessness began to wear in on me with such a blinding force I didn't get out of bed at all. 

///Ever since then it's just been rising in me. I'm on the verge of collapse right now, but I can't sleep. I didn't sleep yesterday either when I lay there. I just curled up as tight as I could and wished desperately for me to open my eyes and have someone be there for me. But no one ever was. I'm alone here.

///Maybe whoever did this just wants me to crack. And they're waiting for me on the other side of the door....waiting until insanity and loneliness has weakened me enough. But why? They've already had the perfect chance to kill me. The bruises around my neck from where I was almost strangled have healed for the most part. All they had to do was stab me when I was unconscious. They didn't have to play games with me. Unless they hate me that much....

I trailed off, letting the glass pen roll out of my hand and across the desk, bumping to a halt against the bottle of ink. I was lying to myself, even as I wrote. I've been here eleven days, and the first day that I started to crack was the sixth, not the seventh. Five days. Five days and barely sleeping at all. Because every time I close my eyes and start to drift off I feel like I'm not alone, and I jolt awake again only to realize it isn't true. When I used to travel with Rune and Thatz, we'd always end up sharing a bed because we were too cheap to get a decent room at the inns and Thatz would always end up with his arms around my waist, or something to that extent because he's just Thatz, so I'm used to having someone close to me when I sleep. In a strictly plutonic way. Although I do love Thatz. 

I can't stand it here. The emptiness is killing me. I need somebody now, anybody who will come and talk to me. I'd welcome even Kharl now...as long as he didn't try anything on me. I just need to hear a voice again besides my own. Even my own, because I refuse to stand babbling to myself like an idiot. I even lost Fire, though that's no real surprise. Who would trust a Dragon Knights to stay put if he had his sword and his dragon? I wouldn't...especially not myself. I'm sure I would have tried suicide a few times by now if only this place wasn't so damn free of sharp objects. I don't know how that was achieved, but it was.

I stood up and stretched, yawning. No sleep was really starting to get to me. I felt on the verge of collapse, but I knew I would just be ripped out of it immediately even if I did suddenly keel over. Nothing was safe anymore, was it? I slowly wandered into the living area and sat on the sill of the bay window, marveling at the land below. It was a beautiful place, wherever it was, but looking at it like that just caused me to want to escape and be free even more. I wanted to go back to Draqueen, to the closest thing to a home I could ever have, and to be with everyone again. The final battle against Nadil was coming closer and closer, and we desperately needed to prepare forces. They needed me THERE, and I was instead stuck in some strange place.

I wondered dimly if they even cared that I was gone besides that fact. They needed me, but other than that, did it make any difference to anyone if I was gone? Closing my eyes, an image of Thatz laughing flashed through my head and I jerked forward again. I could have sworn I had heard him too. I was going insane, wasn't I? Whoever was doing this to me was already winning. I felt beyond despair now. I had spent my entire life feeling hopelessly and bitterly alone, but at least then I had friends around me, people who cared about me who would try to make me feel better. Now I was falling, faster and faster with each passing day, and I knew there would be no end to my descent until I finally died.

"Maybe I should just stop eating." I said to no one in particular before catching myself. I was talking to air. 

* * *

Nadil:

"Hm…he's not holding out half as well as I thought he would." I smirked faintly, tossing the small leather-bound book at Sabel before reclining back on the couch. Sabel sat down next to me and began leafing through it.

"Neh. He barely even filled up three pages, and then he just gave up." he glanced up at me, his gold eyes wide. God, I loved those gold eyes. They were what kept me from killing him in the first place when Shydeman first dragged him screaming and crying into the keep. That was so long ago, a year or so now, though out there, where the Yokai world didn't have such a powerful hold, it was probably no more than a month. 

"How did you do this anyway?" Sabel asked suddenly, leaning back against me. 

I smirked inwardly and gently coiled my fingers into his hair. "I left a copy of this same book on the desk in the study up there. It's magicked, so everything he writes is directly transported to this. I knew the idiot would use it sooner or later, desperate to have something to talk to. I just didn't expect it to be this soon. He was always so angry and hateful, I figured he could hold out a month before he felt lonely. But he's already writing in this, and lying in it too." Sabel was curling his small body up against me. I twitched. "I also find it amusing how he thinks Kharl kidnapped him…he really sees Kharl as low, doesn't he?" I laughed quietly. "As if that bastard would ever be capable of kidnapping or raping anyone."

"Are you going to kill him?" 

"Eventually, after I have everything I want out of him." I sliced a fang into my left index finger and watched the blood run down. "That bitch Lykouleon thinks he has everything under control." I growled, more to myself than to Sabel, who was still watching me with those huge eyes of his. He was staring at the blood hungrily, so I dropped my hand and let him lick it. If only Rath knew his true heritage, that he was just one of us, one of the Yokai, the Dark ones who lurked in the shadows.

I stood up suddenly, grabbing Sabel's arm and pulling him to his feet. "Want to go up?" I ran my hands through his hair and pulled at his cloak pin. He blushed and protested weakly, but allowed me to lead him upstairs.

"Don't you want to wait till it's dark?" he muttered halfway up the stairs. "You know Shydeman has a habit of barging in on you all the time…" but the way he was leaning against me proved he didn't care. It was those eyes of his that kept me from killing him, but it was also those eyes that caused me to force him into my bed the night after I met him, and we'd been lovers ever since.

I don't think I honestly 'love' him, if such a thing exists at all, but he knows and accepts this. I have to wonder about him though, the way he looks at me sometimes. I feel like I've seduced some kid and now he loves me, but what can I do about that? I could just tell him what I feel and stop bringing him to my chambers, but then what would I get out of it? Yea, I'm selfish, but I like it. So too bad.

"Eh." he said abruptly.

"Oh, sorry." I said, realizing I had ignored his question. "I need to think…"

"About how much time Rath has left?" sometimes I want to kill him just so he stops using those gorgeous eyes on me.

"Precisely…" I grinned. 

Sabel was asleep little more than an hour later, snoring so faintly he sounded more like he was purring, which he always did. He reminded me strangely of a kitten, even though he was probably twenty or so in Yokai years. Once we reach around 25 we usually stop physically aging, so it's impossible to tell beyond that point. But he's definitely not as much of a kid as he acts. I sometimes wonder if he's been damaged mentally or emotionally somewhere back there, and that's why he acts like he's twelve. It makes me feel even more guilty sometimes, but I usually don't care. I think he understands that I like him and all, but he's mainly just a diversion for me, and he never gets upset with me about it. 

I reached over and absently stroked his head. He yawned and grabbed my hand, pressing it against his face.

"Sabel…" I growled. I had just been about to get up too. 

"Hn…" he smiled in his sleep.

"I'm getting up now. You can just stay here if you want. I won't be gone long."

"Till tonight?" he nestled deeper into the blankets.

"Yes." I slid out of the bed, grabbing up a pair of pants and a tunic. Damn, he always knew exactly what I meant.

Shydeman was waiting outside the door, looking bored and slightly peeved, as always. "You do understand that the illusion is due to shatter in…oh…say…three hours and twenty-six minutes? Do you want it back up again?" he was studying his hand with distinct awkwardness. He had obviously been waiting there for quite some time, and had heard enough not to kick the door open and start bellowing as he usually did.

"Put it up again. I want to see how much longer he can last."

"If you let him go completely insane, he'll be of no use to us."

"Nor will he be to Lykouleon." 

Shydeman frowned and glared at me. When I had first imprisoned Rath, I had asked Shydeman to set up illusions to cover the door that led into the rest of the castle, make it a solid wall that he would never be able to figure out. It had been a simple spell, but covering up every single trace of magic had been extremely difficult. Necessary though, for we still did not know exactly how powerful Rath was.

* * * 

Rath:

I knew it was a dream right from the start because I was outside. Also because it started the same way it had the last three nights, when I had finally managed to fall asleep. I've been having the dream as long as I can remember, actually. It usually comes to me a few times a week. I've just gotten used to it, I guess. But every time I have it, no matter how much I tell myself it is a dream and nothing more, I still feel the pain, and I feel as if it is not so much a dream but a premonition of sorts. Idiot.

I sat cross-legged, my hands on my knees, in the center of a small clearing surrounding by hummocks of grass and two old trees, both bending precariously over the ledge of the cliff I gaze over. It wasn't quite a full moon, but it was still amazingly bright outside, and I could see far off into the distance-the valley below seemed to stretch on and on, only coming to a halt what seemed like hundreds of miles away. Then it merely…ended, and nothing seemed to take it's place. I could only see darkness, thick, solid darkness that sucked the light in and held it. 

I've learned throughout my life that there is one thing in this world that mankind is not, and never will be, capable of creating, and that is darkness itself. And that is why it is so feared. Even the darkness that resides in us all was there from the beginning of time. It does not matter how good a person may be, or how well-lit a room may seem, for there will always come an end to the light. The person will crumble, or die, and the fire will blow out. The light is only a temporary triumph over the void. It's never truly gone, just easily suppressed.

But as of late it has become harder and harder to chain down. Inside of me and in this world as well. The Yokai Lord is rising into power faster than any of us could have imagined, and I am falling away, deteriorating, much too fast to ever be able to stop him. I'm chained to my destiny though, being used by the powers of the so-called 'good' to fight this darkness, yet I am given no weapon to fight the evil within myself. How can I be expected to defeat an eidolon of night when I can not even break away from my own despair, confusion, and pain for even a day? Why must I suffer so greatly just so everyone else can be happy?

I am only being selfish.

"Or are you?" a voice suddenly hissed, startlingly close to my ear. I twitched, but ignored it as best I could. This, too, had happened the last three nights. It was only me. Trying to make myself feel better, impossible as it is. The wind blew gently then, rustling the grasses. I glanced over absently, watching a few seeds scatter to the ground, helpless as to where they landed or what would become of them. Then I looked down at my wrists. I was shackled, as always, to the trees behind me. The sickening blackness beyond would slowly edge it's way up the valley until I was consumed. I somehow knew that when the blackness finally reached me in my dream world, I would die in real life. That is when the string will snap, when the madness and the pain will finally overtake me and I will drive my own sword deep into my chest, or slash my wrists until beautiful fountains of blood pour out over the ground. That darkness out there, slowly creeping up the valley. It is my insanity.

I looked back at the three tiny seeds lying on the ground, wondering whether I should bury them or not. But a shadow caught my eye, a flicker of something behind me that had never been there before.

"Go away." I whispered, not knowing why I said it. I was suddenly feeling extremely uneasy. Not like my dreams had ever been particularly happy, this one was suddenly twisting, warping before my eyes. I turned my head slightly, sitting up straighter as I did. Nothing. Maybe I had just imagined it?

"Are you really so chained?" I twitched again, this time out of the fear that was starting to creep down my spine. And why was I feeling so heavy all of a sudden? Faint? The voice was different than the one that was normally there, deeper, more nasal, but somehow extremely alluring. "Look behind you." It continued after a moment.

I frowned, struggling with myself. Why was the dream different all of a sudden? In all the years I'd spent as a human, around fifteen or so, I'd been having this dream, and not once has it ever been any different. Dare I turn around, or should I just force myself to wake up? After several minutes, curiosity got the best of me. I arched my back and leaned my head back as far as I could, not wanting to satisfy the intruder, only to smack my skull against something that definitely should not have been there. 

A flash of panic jolted through my brain as I wondered at the idea of the intruder actually EXISTING in my head, but it passed as I reached my hand back and touched it. Feathers. 

Wings.

Without thinking, I flexed my shoulder blades in a way I never had before, marveling at suddenly having new appendages and knowing how to use them. I could feel them unfurling, lashing out to spread a good five feet or so on either side of me. And as they did, they shattered the chains.

"You see?" the voice echoed calmly, this time closer and to my left. "You do not even know what you are capable of. You only sit and mourn the losses you feel deep inside of you, losses all Yokai bear by living in this human world. You are only frightened of your destiny, and lonely and in pain. There is nothing wrong with that."

I don't know what was confusing me more, my wings or the voice echoing from the shadows. I was slowly stroking the feathers on my right wing, contemplating pulling one out to look at it better, but not wanting to mar their raven-like beauty. Perhaps that was the wrong word, for even in the moonlight, I could see they were not black but a rich, deep gray. 

"I don't want to be chained anymore." I whispered absently. The manacles were still on my wrists, and they were somehow considerably tighter since the chains had shattered. "I can't help what I am. If I had a choice back then…when Lykouleon made me a human, I would have asked for death. I can not live, knowing what I did…"

"It was not only Lykouleon…"

"What do you mean?" My head snapped up. The voice was definitely closer, but I still could not get a definite direction, nor could I see anyone in the trees that surrounded the other sides of me. Then I finally asked the question that I had not dared to before, fearing the idiocy of it. "Who are you?"

"Why do you ask? Does it truly matter? I gave you your wings…I will be leaving very soon. That was all I came here for. You're the one who wished to chat."

"Don't leave!" I jumped to my feet, only to fall over again immediately. So there was a definite disadvantage to having wings. The second time I stood more slowly, and was able to stand upright and not feel too unbalanced. 

"What now?" The voice was distinctly annoyed, but slightly…amused?

"I need somebody to talk to. I'm lonely!"

"Hn." whoever it was snorted.

"I…I've been locked away now, for over twenty days. I Haven't even seen another living thing. I need…I need to see you…please…" I realized I was almost begging, but it was a dream, so who the hell cared? After all, what else could go wrong in it?

A few seconds later a brilliant flash cracked through my head. I winced and cried out, realizing who it was before I even opened my eyes and met his. He stood several feet in front of me, dressed casually, his cloak not even done up right, face lax…he looked pretty much like he always did.

"Nadil." I hissed.

"Very good. You know your Lord's name."

"You god-damned son of a-" I lunged forward.

He raised his right hand, smirking. "Nuh. You can't hurt me. This is your dream. Your nightmare. It is your reality, your future, all you have. That insanity beyond." He was talking in riddles, his eyes glinting madly. "If I leave, if you attack, if you don't do as I say…the wings turn to fire. The chains return. And not only will you be back in the same position as before, but you will forever feel the pain of the flames, eating at you from behind. They won't kill you. Only that…" he nodded towards the void. "Will. I can prolong it as long as I wish.

"Just remember, I gave you these…" he walked forward, closing the distance between us in a second, resting his hands on the upper part of my wings and intertwining his fingers in them. I was too horrified, too taken aback to even move for a moment as he looked down at me. 

"I hate you." I whispered when I could finally think again.

"What was that, demon-boy?" he smiled, his hand sliding down the wing until he was touching my shoulder blade. I realized dimly that the whole back of my shirt must have been ripped open, because his fingers were touching bare skin.

"You fucking whoreson." I said in the same tone.

"You shouldn't be calling anyone a whoreson, freak. At least I'm full-blooded, unlike you, you sick demented excuse for a Yokai." he suddenly dug his fingers up under my shoulder blade and wrenched up and outward. I felt muscle and sinew tearing, heard something snap, before I even felt the sharp, searing pain that shot down my back, and I started screaming.

"Maybe…maybe I'll just rip them both off. All the way off." he continued, calm as ever as his fingers dug farther under the bone. I kept screaming, wondering what would happen if I fainted or died. Maybe then I would wake up…

I didn't even have a chance though, for at that moment he pulled his hand out again, dripping with blood, and grabbed the back of my head with it, forcing me to face him. I had collapsed against his body, and his other arm had been supporting me. Even if my back wasn't ripped open and one of my arms was still completely attached to my body, I would have been uncomfortable. 

"You have very lovely dreams, freak-child." he purred, his face dangerously close to mine. I was starting to black out, and I was partially glad I didn't have to meet his eyes. "Much more lovely than you deserve." 

"Get out of my head…" I managed to choke out.

"No. Fight me." he laughed and suddenly shoved me from his arms. I collapsed, landing on my shattered shoulder, and only barely managed to bite back another scream. He didn't even give me a chance though, simply leaned over me and grabbed the back of my head again. "Freak-child…" he smirked. "You're worse than that Cesia bitch. She at least has…oh…what is it you humans so badly need? A family…yes, a family…You have nobody at all to show you ever existed. You're a fucking freak. I offered you a chance, and you let it go. So now I'm giving you one last one…"

I growled, forcing back the darkness clouding my vision.

"Fight me. Kill me…" he whispered, wrapping his other arm around my neck and touching the gaping wound in my back. I gasped in pain and he laughed, resting his chin on my intact shoulder. 

"Can't…" I whimpered after a moment. "I…I'll…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish it. I was afraid of him.

"Why? Because you'll be alone then? Are you really that weak?" he sat back and faced me. "Well?" he snapped after I said nothing.

I nodded, then slowly raised my hand without quite knowing why, and laid it across his chest. "Yes." I whispered, then blasted him with all my might. 

Seconds later I was falling down into darkness, screaming. And it's impossible to fly with only one wing.

Knowing something is a dream doesn't make it any less scary, especially when you first wake up. I thrashed free from my covers, almost feeling the hot, sticky blood still pouring from the gaping wound where my shoulder had been shattered. I would have been screaming, but I was having trouble breathing for some reason, and ended up just gasping a lot.

I felt something grab me all of a sudden, and it was only then when the scream finally tore from me. I hadn't escaped after all. But when I opened my eyes and saw that I was in the strange bed in that foreign room that I had come to call my home in the last three weeks…I wasn't alone either. The moonlight streaming in through the window permitted me to see very little of him, but it didn't matter. There was someone sitting on the edge of my bed, gripping both of my wrists and staring at me. His hands were sticky. Bloody. I didn't care though. I lunged at him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and burying my face in his chest. He gasped, but rested one of his arms awkwardly across my back after a moment.

I don't know how long I sat there like that, hugging him to me, twining my fingers into the hair on the nape of his neck, not wanting him to move. I wasn't alone. I wasn't the last person alive. There was someone there, someone warm and whole and breathing and sickeningly alive...If crying had ever been easy for me I would have been sobbing. I didn't care at that moment who he was or where he had come from...he must have heard my frantic screaming. Maybe whoever kidnapped me cared....

I started to drift off after a while I think, because when he shoved me back onto the pillows I didn't protest, only hugged him weakly one last time. He calmly untangled my arms from him and I could hear his echoing footsteps fade away. I glanced over at my hand resting on the pillow, still holding the few long hairs I had managed to steal from him. I knew in the morning I would find them to be purple, but I wanted to be sure.

I had just been comforted by Nadil.


	2. Guilt Factor part 2

A/N-Yep…chapter 2 is finally here. Sorry it took so long. It took me AGES. I've been having a really rough summer, so I haven't been much up to writing lately, and, well, you know how it is. Does anyone even remember this fic? XD It's been over a month…Yes, this chapter is slightly confusing. Rath is majorly OOC, though it's crucial to the plot [he's going psycho, remember?], so keep that in mind. And there are a lot of seemingly pointless arguments in this chapter that I had to take care of. Kharl appears and talks a while. This may seem REALLY random, but it's going to be important later. I won't say why, because…it gives stuff away? So if this chapter seems weird, don't give up on it. Please? *glares* I'm probably going to lose a couple of readers on this chapter because it's more…talking, and not as much action [*coughs* Not just yaoi. This DOES have a plot, ya know. ^_~], but I'd love it if you would just bear with me until I get to the better stuff. Oh yea. This one is twice as long as part 1. XD

And I HOPE to have chapter 3 up before school starts, which is in a little more than 3 and a half weeks. Yea…I know it should be even sooner than that, but it's better than the 6 weeks it took me to get this up, neh? ^^

Yes. The dirty Rath x Nadil-ness starts to make an entrance at the end of this chapter. It's as close to yaoi you can get without being yaoi, but I assure you that gets worse in the next chapter. XD

Rated R for lots of angst, blood, language, rape, violence, yaoi, all that good-er-bad stuff  
Pairings: Prominent is Rath x Nadil...Nadil x Sabel is also here a lot, as well as Nadil x Kharl. Yea…the amount of pairings increase as this continues.

Guilt Factor 

by PikaCheeka

We twist and turn where angels burn

Like fallen soldiers we will learn

What twice forgot is twice removed

And love will be the death 

The death of you.

-Savage Garden-

Part the second

* * *

Nadil:

I closed the door tightly behind me and muttered the few words that would slide the illusion into place again. He now knew that I was there, watching him, so there was no need to place all the guards on it. If he found the part of the wall that was not what it seemed, then he did. It didn't matter anymore. 

I paced up and down the hall for several minutes, frowning to myself and slowly, carefully probing into Rath's mind again. I'd been watching his dreams ever since he'd first arrived here, searching for secrets, weaknesses, I could use against him, and the recurring nightmare had intrigued me. So I had forced my way deeper into his thoughts and learned the significance of it. It still surprises me how pained and intelligent he is, for he is nothing but a child in Yokai years after all. But what perhaps scared me more was how I could relate to it in some dark corner of my mind, the edge that I always turned away from my face so I would never have to look at it dead on. The painful loneliness and hatred residing in us all…

Yes, that was entirely me. I had entered his dream-world and royally smashed it up. It worked perfectly for my plan, for now he is even more weak and terrified than before, and I know now how sad and scared he is deep in there, but I also did it out of my own curiosity, which I feel guilty about. Being the Lord of all Yokai, I've always had…powers…I've always been able to enter people's minds and figure out everything about them, even manipulate their thoughts and dreams to some extent. But only if they have demon blood in them. I use it as a weapon mainly, for my own amusement when I feel like torturing someone, but for the most part I lock it away. Part of me feels like it is too low and dirty for me to use, and it bothered me that I had to use it to delve into Rath's mind. Especially because he is so poorly guarded against such forces. I could sense his confusion at it all, as if the idea had never even crossed his mind that his thoughts were not his alone.

I don't know why I said what I did to him, but I had enjoyed it. That had been me in his head, not even a dream-world form of myself exactly. I had pried into his skull and ripped away the one consistency in his life. I had disrupted the one pattern he had to cling to, the one thing in his life he could rely on; his fastly-fading sanity. Shydeman had told me that Rath was useless if he was completely insane, so I don't know why I did it. I think I wanted to see him cry.

Just once. Then I'd be satisfied. Now I'm not so sure about that.

I had sat there in my own chamber, watching him writhe in pain and agony in my own mind, sharing the exact same dream, only on the opposing side of it, when Fedelta had sent the message that Rath was screaming in his sleep. I don't know why I came to him. I was standing there tearing down the illusions and entering his chambers before I had even thought about it. I had locked the doors behind me, leaving the puzzled Fedelta out. But then again, that guy seems to be left out of everything, so it's no big deal exactly.

Rath had been curled up in the center of the bed, clutching and un-clutching his hands, shaking so badly that he didn't even notice when I reached out to touch his arm. He was also muttering, but only faint and random words could be made out between the gasps and occasional screams. My name occasionally, as well as a few curses. 

So I stupidly dug deeper into his head, curious now as to what was causing him such extreme physical pain even though it was only a dream. And it was then when I shattered his barriers and hit that sickening void of loneliness he had been hiding for so long. It was frightening, possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever found in another demon's mind. And then he had ordered me to get out of his head. So he knew. He somehow knew that it was not just a part of his dream, that I was actively forcing my way into his mind. That caused me to hesitate again. I had never run into that problem before. I don't know what happened. I guess I just got mad at him for figuring it out or something, because I dared him to kill me, and he just knocked me out of the landscape like I was nothing. Not even Sabel, after spending a year of being my closest companion, could ever just cut me off like that when I wanted to know what he was thinking. But then again, he hasn't tried to very often because he never has much of a reason to.

I had still been sitting on his bed cursing my stupidity, staring at my hands, soaked in his own blood, when he jerked awake a second later. I had absently grabbed his arms to keep him from lashing out at me, but the last thing I expected him to do was fling his arms around my neck and hug me. He had to have known it was me, and it was only a matter of time before he realized that he did have a slash in his shoulder, not anywhere near as bad as it had been in his dream, but still fairly deep nevertheless, yet he still hugged me. 

Now I was curled up on my bed. Sabel was deeply asleep, out of it, and that was a good thing because he would have asked me a million questions if he had known where I had gone. I lay there for a good hour or so before drifting off. There wasn't much else to do, after all…

///Morning\\\

"My Lord?" 

I flinched at the sound of someone calling me. It was only Sabel. I knew that immediately. I always knew when it was him. Mainly because he's still extremely scared and shy around me. But then again, he is around all other Yokai. Fedelta and Shydeman tormented him quite a bit before bringing him to me, and he's still wary of everyone because of it. They really did nothing, just screwed with his head a little. But that was before they realized that he already was severely handicapped in some way mentally and emotionally.

"Go away." I snapped, without exactly meaning to.

I turned slightly after saying that and eyed him. He was looking at the floor. Stupid, shy imbecile. "What is it?" I said after a moment.

"Nothing! Well, he wrote already…" Sabel quickly pulled the small book out of his pocket and threw it at me, then leapt backward and quickly padded down the hall. He was terrified of me when I was in a foul mood, though I never understood why. I've never hurt him. I frowned and opened the book, skimming through the pages until I found the one that was steadily being written on.

* * *

Rath:

I shivered slightly, closing the book and staring numbly at the cover. I had only written four sentences, but they continued to run through my head long after I had tried to get rid of them. ///_I don't understand exactly how it happened, but Nadil managed to force his way into my nightmare last night. I woke up and he was sitting on my bed, and he let me hug him [though I don't know why I did it]. Now he knows my weaknesses, so he's just going to kill me in some horrific manner now. But why do I suddenly not want to die anymore?_\\\ I didn't want to die anymore. All my life, I had been obsessed with dying, had wanted to so badly. Very day I contemplated new ways to kill myself, and now, all of a sudden, I wanted to live…

I sighed and stood again, picking up the glass quill [a different one, mind you] and chucking it across the room, hard. Listened to it shatter onto the floor. I was afraid again. I had fought it off when I first came here, knowing that I would just be killed, and at least then my wish would be granted. But now I was terrified again, not wanting the death that I was almost certain awaited me. I had been lonely. I had wanted somebody to talk to, somebody to be near. Why did humans need it? Why did we need others? The idea revolted me.

And now I had Nadil. He had been there. He had even hugged me back, and not cared that I was making an idiot out of myself. I shuddered then, realizing what I had been thinking about. I wanted to see him again. Very badly. I wanted to hold him again. Not because I cared about him, but because he was another person, and he understood what was living in my head, what was tearing me apart and killing me. He wouldn't have been able to say the things he said otherwise…. I forced myself to stop thinking of such things and wandered away to the window. I wanted to talk to him. I had never been interested in talking to him before now, only in killing him, but now he intrigued me. How did he know what he knew…?

"Like a part of me…" I whispered, running my finger down the thick, glass pane. It was surprisingly cold, and they were frosted over slightly, which surprised me. I had always suspected that a castle created and inhabited by demons would be in an area perpetually hotter than the summer. Like it mattered. I was too pre-occupied to pay too much mind to it. Yet was it only because he knew what I thought? Or was there something else about him that I had been attracted to? He had hugged me…I hadn't been hugged by anyone other than Thatz, Rune, and Kaistern in years. And those were strictly out of friendship, except for Thatz, who did it whenever he tripped on something and wanted to drag someone else down with him. Nobody had ever hugged me to comfort me like that before. Or…had he simply done it because he felt awkward? 

"Idiot." I muttered, no longer caring how much I talked to myself. "Nadil wouldn't feel awkward. If I had annoyed him he would have just smacked me or something, not done THAT." 

_Don't think about that._

My back hurt. It had hurt painfully when I had first woken up, and there had even been blood on my bed, which had all but terrified me. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Nadil killed me like that, entering my dreams again and again, finally killing me in one. But what scared me the most was that there was not even a wound. Only blood, and a fair amount of it. I wasn't even cut, much less missing a chunk of my shoulder. Another mind game, but an ugly one. Now I had the blood and the pain, but no wound that I could at least attempt to heal. And besides that, it had completely ruined my bed. How was I supposed to find new bed sheets in this God-forsaken place? Of course, those mysteriously invisible servants that fed me would probably fix it, but what if they didn't?

"Heh…idiot. Trying to avoid thinking about me, eh?" I jumped, barely even realizing that it was spoken aloud and not in my head at all. But it had been, which could only mean…

Nadil.

Screwing with me again. "Don't turn around. He's not there. He wants you to think he is." I muttered to myself, wondering faintly why I was acting so strangely. I was feeling distinctly shy when I thought about him now, and it startled me. It was for obvious reasons, of course, because he understood me, but it still made me uneasy to feel shy around anyone except Kaistern. Who was now good and dead.

"Bastard." he hissed from behind me. "I'm not playing mind games with you right now. You're not worth that much trouble. I want to ask you something, and if you don't turn around and answer me right now I'm going to hurt you." He paused, before adding an afterthought. "Much worse than I did last night."

"Go away." I snapped. "You kidnapped me and now you're just fucking with me."

"You'd know if I was fucking with you, trust me."

"I'm intimidated." I said sarcastically, but I was growing uneasy. I knew he was behind me, in the same room, physically there. I could sense him. You know how you can usually tell when someone is standing behind you? I felt like that.

"You're an arrogant little fag, aren't you?"

I must admit. That pissed me off. "Like you aren't?"

"I know I'm one. I just hate it when people try to outdo me." I could have sworn he was smiling by that point. 

"That must happen of-" But I never got much farther than that because I felt a sickening pain shoot up my backside as he slammed his boot right into the small of my back, somehow managing to tear it upward so it glanced off my shoulder blades. I collapsed, writhing, too embarrassed and afraid to look up and meet his eyes. Not like I had to. 

"Listen you dirty little prick; I want to talk to you, so you better act like a good little boy or I'll rip your throat out and hang you with it." he was holding the back of my head with one hand, his fingers curling around the sides of my face. I twitched. I had never paid much attention to how much taller he was than me before now, a good foot if anything, and that meant his claws were a good inch or so longer than mine would ever be. He could have easily stabbed my eyes out right there, and I could tell he was tempted to.

"What do you want?" The pain in my back was already receding. He hadn't kicked me hard enough to make it hurt for more than a few minutes. But that somehow scared me more. He evidently just wanted my attention, and if THAT was how he got my attention, I didn't even want to know how he planned to kill me when he was through with extracting any information he needed.

"Much better. I was afraid I'd have to do you some serious damage." And he genuinely looked pleased, which terrified me. "I want you to get up, first of all."

I nodded dumbly, unable to understand the barely-hidden amusement in his deep eyes. And, without even meaning to, I found myself trying to find the pupils in them. They looked more like they had _two_, but that was impossible…

"Yes, it looks like I have two, doesn't it? How observant of you. Most people only realize that right before they die."

I blanched.

"Or when I rape them." he added, watching me, tilting my head up towards the ceiling. I think I panicked then, but I don't even know, because a second later he had forced me into a sitting position and was clutching my fists with one hand.

"You take things too seriously." he said calmly. I didn't answer. I didn't think I was being too serious. The problem was, he was being too serious. If anybody in Dusis would be a rapist for fun, it would be him.

"Shut up and get on with asking me whatever."

"Fine then."

***

Nadil:

He wasn't acting much like how I suspected he would. He was far more scared, more nervous, than I had ever expected of him. But then again, what was it he had said. _Why do I not want to die anymore? _Idiot. He would want to die desperately by the time I was through with him. It was more difficult to enter his mind when I was in a different room [why I regret forcing my way into his dream because it was exhausting], but I had been watching him this morning long enough to know that he was feeling extremely confused about ME. Interesting. Interesting, indeed.

I studied his face, even though every few seconds he'd flick his eyes away and try to avoid looking back at me. He was a broken mess of what he had been two weeks beforehand. Another thing I found interesting.

"You know…For such a cruel, cold-hearted, nasty, arrogant, and bitter person, you certainly rely on others to make you happy, don't you? I lock you up with no human contact for a couple of weeks and you come out of it like this. Shouldn't you be stabbing me to death by now?" I smirked, watching the horror and embarrassment spread across his face.

"It's not that, and you damn well know it's not." he spat, finally meeting my eyes for more than four seconds.

"Then what is it?" 

"Nobody can go on like that…without anyone, anything, to talk to. Even an animal. Without the touch and comfort of other living creatures, life fails entirely. But I suppose you wouldn't know that, would you? Being a _Demon Lord _and all. It's your job to maim and kill, not live." 

That took me aback slightly. Since when had Rath become a philosopher? "You're not acting like yourself at all." I stood up. "Tell me when you're half sane again, and then we'll talk."

"Good! Get away from me, you stupid son of a bitch." he growled. No eye contact. That deserved a kick in the head. But he was too pathetic…sitting there on the ground like that, his clothes rumpled and not even BUTTONED right. God, what kind of idiot can't button his shirt correctly?

So I said nothing, and simply walked away from him, making sure to bring down the wall illusion and open the door slowly enough for him to see it. I wanted to see how much time he'd spend in the next few days studying it, trying to find a way out, trying to find…contact, as he had put it.

"Oh…" I couldn't leave without saying something nasty. I'm a bitch; I admit it. "All that time with humans and dragons and elves has weakened you, hasn't it? You parents would be so saddened…"

"I DON'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!" he screamed, but I slammed the door behind me and locked it. Forget the illusion. Let him suffer.

But he did have no parents, at least not that anybody knew of. In fact, nobody in all of Dusis, or in the demon realm where I was born, knew where he came from, or even how he came to exist.

Rath was an enigma to the race of Yokai. And that was why he was so intriguing.

I was so preoccupied with the idea of it all that I walked right into Shydeman, who quickly let out a long string of curses before he realized it was me and dropped into a low bow. I kicked him. He gave up the formalities.

"_Lord_ Kharl is wanting a word with you." He said, the hatred dripping through his words. Kharl, the Renkin Wizard, the Alchemist, the complete bastard of a Yokai. He was a disgrace to demon-kind, abandoning his own kin to live in a castle with a human child for a lover [at least, I assume they're lovers. He's more fun to hate if he's a pedophile]. I hated him, and for more reasons than those alone.

"He's here?" I raised my eyebrow, trying to act unconcerned, but I was suddenly uneasy. Kharl never came within a mile of the castle. He was terrified of me, as I was of him. Mainly because before we arrived at Dusis the two of us were desperately and pathetically in love. But I was younger than, so I allow some leeway for idiocy. 

"Yes, and he's very impatient. He wants to talk to you about…Rath?" Shydeman was clearly confused. 

"That would make sense…he's been chasing after the boy for decades now, convinced he's some sort of missing link between humans and demons…"

"More likely he just wants somebody else to fuck."

"Precisely." I drawled as Shydeman bowed his way out of the hallway. God, I hate people bowing for me. It's extremely awkward.

I followed him out, wandering slowly towards the main entrance, taking my perfect time with it all. I wasn't very interested in talking to the brat, mainly because he nearly had a heart attack last time I ran into him and teleported himself out of there so fast he made a good half a dozen humans scream their bloody heads off. I figured he would see me, panic, and back out of whatever he wanted to say to me, like he always did. He was never very strong like that. He cried a lot too, which I despised. All I wanted was to go and dwell on what Rath had said. For some unknown reason, it was making me extremely uneasy that he was behaving so oddly. I had never suspected he would break down like that, and I was finding myself as intrigued by him as he was of me…

So again, I didn't even pay attention to where I was going and found myself in the Great Hall before I realized it. Kharl was sitting on the lower table, his knees up under his chin, looking like a child. Pathetic. He also looked a lot less terrified of me than he should have been.

"DAMNIT. Who let him in this far??" I grabbed the back of Shydeman's neck and twisted. He made a choking noise and collapsed.

"Fedelta…sir." he gasped after a moment.

"Eh." I scowled. I can never punish Fedelta. He's Shydeman's territory, in more ways than one, and in more ways than I wish to think about.

"Ah…Master Kharl." I turned to him, wondering dimly how long I could keep up the false act before hitting him.

"Forget it. Where's Rath?" he snapped.

"Why do you care?" I narrowed my eyes. I hadn't remembered him being that snippy.

"I don't want him dead. It's a dreadful pain in the ass to have to raise someone from the dead, and I'd have to do that if you killed him for your own selfish purposes."

"Oh, I won't kill him for a while yet. He's…useful…to me. And besides, he's gone insane at the moment."

Kharl stared, his silvery-purple eyes widening. His eyes were actually much like my own, which we used to find funny. Now I hated it.

"He's quite out there by now. Talks to himself, screams a lot, obeys others…He's even saying strange things now about…how humans need affection…"

He didn't answer again, just stared some more. Idiot. I guess he was confused as I was, which was understandable, after all. Nobody would ever suspect such behavior from someone who was usually as bitchy and cold as Rath was.

"Strange, isn't it?"

"What did you do to him?" he said finally.

"Absolutely nothing. Just kidnapped him and locked him up in a room for two weeks and gave him no contact with anything else alive. Not even insects."

"How…?" 

"I don't know anything more than you do." I snapped. "He's gone insane, if you ask me. It's quite funny, actually, but unnerving to see someone who was normally so strong-willed reduced to that…"

"Why are you conversing with me like you don't hate me?" His eyes widened suddenly.

"I do hate you, you silly whore. I'm just telling you what happened is all. Didn't you ask?"

"I didn't think you would answer."

"Okay. I won't." I turned on my heel and started to walk away, not even bothering to look behind me. I had just unhinged HIM as well. I was getting good at driving people mental.

"WAIT!!" he cried. "Just tell me…everything?"

"Don't even talk to me."

"But I can tell you what's going on! I've tortured enough humans to understand the way their minds work. And demons as well. I'll…" he trailed off. "I can even help you with getting the information out of him that you need…"

"Why do you want to help me all of a sudden?" I glanced over my shoulder. He was standing up now, not looking half as young and pathetic. But he still made me angry.

"I don't care about you anymore, if that's what you're wondering. All I'm asking in return is-"

"Oh, a _deal_ is it? I knew to had to be something." Good, just ignore what he said before that. Makes you look even more awkward.

"I want Rath afterward. Alive."

"Fine." What I didn't tell him were the many varying degrees of 'alive' I could think of. Yes, I would return him to Kharl, 'alive'. But brain dead and in a broken and useless body. I smiled to myself. And Kharl didn't even notice. So I walked towards him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. He visibly flinched. He tried to pull away but I jerked him closer. Fear is a happy thing.

"What did you do to him?" he asked after a moment, realizing he wasn't going to get away so easily.

"Simply nothing." But I told him everything anyway.

***

Rath:

I spent a good hour or so afterward pacing around the rooms, trying to count my steps and distract myself, but it always failed. Nadil was clouding my mind, everywhere I turned. It was really starting to unnerve me, more than anything else had.

Yes, I was afraid to die now, very afraid. He would make it hurt. He would make it the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I didn't know how, but I've heard horrible stories of people that have been found near here when he was on a rampage. Some of them were barely even recognizable as humans afterward…and some of them were still alive, in their last moments. But alive… And besides that, I didn't want to die anymore. I couldn't understand why, but I didn't want to. I was terrified of the whole idea, and I was suddenly finding life a lot more interesting now that I was so afraid of what was the alternative.

And then there was Nadil himself, who understood my confusions more than anyone ever could. Yet he was the Demon Lord. He was the purest of evil there was in all of Dusis, and he was heart-bent on torturing and killing me. But he knew the pain that was in my head. He understood it. That in itself was unsettling. Did he feel the same way? Was that why he was so demented and corrupted? He wasn't that much older than me…would I end up like him if I managed to live somehow?

I had spent my whole life thinking I was alone in the ways I had felt. I had never thought that anybody else could ever feel as trapped and helpless as I had. Arrogant, isn't it? Nadil was right. I was nothing more than an arrogant little bastard. But I never meant to be one. It was purely set up for defense. Defense that couldn't withstand two weeks of not having anyone to lash out at. It merely crumbled away from lack of use. That was all, but I didn't know how long it would take me to build it up again if the only person I had to talk to was Nadil himself.

I had always only thought about myself. But now I couldn't anymore I found my thoughts turning towards Nadil increasingly often, and it was making me very uneasy. 

I felt attracted to him.

Was that so bad, after all? He had called me a fag. I had always known I liked other guys. So that much of it wasn't a problem. But he was _Nadil_, if nothing else. He was the person I had spent my life being taught to despise. He was the person I had even KILLED at one point. Though he had returned. But no. I didn't really like him. I was just interested in him in a way I didn't want to be. I found myself wanting to get to know him more. Wanting to know who he really was, not just as the "Demon lord". The whole idea was disturbing.

I finally collapsed onto my bed, noticing only barely that it was clear of blood somehow. More invisible servants. Why didn't Lykouleon have some of those in his castle? That would be so nice…Servants were annoying. I rolled onto my back, running my hands through my hair and wondering dully how I could possibly talk to Nadil seriously, understand even a little bit…

He knew me. He knew what I was. He knew where I came from. I knew he did. I could tell. He knew everything about me, and he understood me. I had always wanted to understand who I was…and I needed to know it from him. Before he killed me.

So I needed to think of something fast.

But I didn't get to think much more than that. I never did.

***

Nadil:

I hesitated a moment before I pulled the door open, my hand poised on the handle, wavering between certainties. It was already nightfall. The talk with Kharl had lasted well past noon, and the rest of the day passed in the usual tedium that comes with ruling over so much land and people. I had completely neglected Rath to his own world for a time, figuring he ought to have at least a little while where he could have some privacy.

Kharl said it was important... I had forgotten how intelligent he was, matching my wits easily, and perhaps exceeding them. That was one of the reasons I had initially abandoned him. His intellect pissed me off. But he had known what to do. I had known it already, but it made me feel better to know that he agreed. We were partners for the moment in using Rath's weaknesses to usurp Lykouleon's power and wipe out the Dragon clan, whether we hated each other or not. It was a pact, a wary one, but a pact nevertheless. 

Besides, I liked his idea. Not that I would ever admit that to him, but it seemed far better than torture. Rath was weak when it came to loneliness and emotions, so why not play up to those to the best of my ability? Trick him into falling in love with me. Seduce him however necessary, then use the weakness of trust to get anything I needed out of him. And, as Kharl pretends to be the expert on, a "broken heart" is the greatest way to torture someone. Not as if I'm going to bother going that far, but if I can obtain a little free _time_ with him...who cared? He would never know the difference.

_Corrupt him…_It would kill Lykouleon to see his son like that…

Yes, Kharl was a very clever one indeed.

With this in mind, I shrugged off any apprehension I held and slid through the door.

He was asleep, curled up by the bay window, which surprised me faintly. I approached him slowly, reaching my hand out to touch his hair. I could have forced his mind then, but I didn't. I felt guilty doing it again so soon, and he seemed so peaceful, finally able to sleep after so long. But I would have to wake him, wouldn't I? I still had questions...ones I didn't mention to Kharl, ones that were bothering me.

I stopped myself from stroking his hair again, dreading his reaction if he woke up to that. No-I would simply...I grabbed his shoulder and shook it. 

"Whozz..." He started to say, but stopped himself in time as soon as he realized it was me.

"Hello." I said calmly. His room was cold. Strange...I was glad for my cloak. "We still need to talk."

He tensed. I could feel the muscles in his shoulder clench and smiled to myself. Already scared. "Hurry up and torture and kill me." he spat. "I'm getting bored here."

"How do you know I plan to kill you?"

"Oh...I see." he said sarcastically. "So you just kidnapped me for a nice tea party."

"Look you stupid bastard. The least you could do is be polite." I snapped back, tightening my grip on his shoulder and yanking him upright. "Are you going to cooperate or not?"

He was staring numbly at me, a faint amount of defiance flickering in his eyes. I liked him better being bitchy, but that's not something you tell people like him. Besides, if he acted like this I'd never get anything to work. So I simply grabbed his forearm instead and pulled him towards the coffee table where his food was normally left and shoved him down onto the couch. At least he was eating again.

"Why are you no longer wishing to die every second now?" I said slowly, sitting next to him. Close to him. It made him nervous.

"How-?"

"I know everything about you, idiot. Answer the question or I'll…" No! I mentally hit myself. I couldn't be acting so nasty towards him already. Kharl said if I continued to bully him, he'd never tell anything. No…I had to let him put his guard down long enough for me to get beneath it.

Luckily Rath didn't question my truncated threat. He seemed to be glad that I didn't continue. At least, I think so. "You can read everything I think, can't you?"

No sense lying. "Yes, but I rarely bother to. It takes too much work, and most people are so stupid it's embarrassing. You're no exception." I was going to smile, but thought better of it.

"Thanks." he frowned and fidgeted. "So you know about my whole…death thing?"

"Yes." Loosing patience. "So why do you not want to die all of a sudden?" _And why the fuck did you hug me last night anyway?_

"I…I thought I found somebody who understood who and what I was, and what I went through every day just by living." He was looking really awkward now.

"Really now?" I arched an eyebrow. Looked like I had missed some interesting thought process or something while I ignored him. "You know…if you think it's me, you're gravely mistaken."

"Then why did you say the things you did last night?" he said, louder than he intended to most likely. "Lying? I can't lie to you. You know everything. You know exactly what I fear, exactly what hurts me so badly. I can't hide from you."

Without even thinking, I muttered a quick receiving spell and pulled a flask of potent wine out of nowhere. I drink a lot, a lot more than I should, but it's never gotten in the way. "Yet you hide from yourself so easily. Is the simple fact of being understood something to keep you alive? That seems so inane." It really did, too.

"Life is meaningless if nothing makes sense and nobody understands or cares about you."

"Even if I understood you, I don't care about you. You killed me, remember?" I poured myself a glass of wine, ignoring the hungry look he gave it.

Then it occurred to me how easy it all would be… I shoved the glass at him, and he had it downed in less than a minute. "Aren't you…very susceptible to getting drunk?" I asked. An amusing fact I had pulled from him in his early days of being here.

"So what if I am? Just make it easier to kill me…" he didn't look so sober anymore. _Already? _I smirked. "I've never wanted to live…"

I said nothing, just watched his eyes slowly glaze over for several minutes. So entertaining.

And when he finally collapsed, it wasn't over the table like I had supposed, but against my shoulder. I jumped about a foot. "Get off me, filthy whore!" I snapped.

"Mmm." he said slowly. "Ask me more questions. I'm bored with you." His arm was around my waist, though how it had happened I didn't want to know.

"_You're _bored?" I growled. Then sighed. I could get anything I wanted out of him now, but I was feeling distinctly preoccupied by the weight and warmth of his body leaning against mine. Why did it matter to ME so much? Then I remembered dimly how I had relished touching him, holding him, hurting him in his nightmares. I had the perfect opportunity to shove him down and rape him, but that would shatter trust.

I couldn't do that…Not yet, anyway.

***

Rath:

I didn't say anything for another few minutes, not wanting to…what? I didn't even know. I couldn't think straight anymore, and I was inwardly cursing myself for drinking the wine even when I knew how prone I was to ending up like that. So I flicked my eyes shut and satisfied myself by leaning against him more, enjoying how I made him twitch. Strange to see him so awkward…

"Is it that lonely here for you that you'd start bugging me?" He finally snapped. 

"Yes…" I muttered without thinking, then instantly regretted it. But then again, he said he could read my mind, correct? So he must already know how I felt about the whole situation…That anybody, even somebody like him, was better than the suffocating emptiness I would have to feel otherwise. "What do you know?" I whispered, just as quietly.

"Everything." He said calmly. I was dimly aware of his arm wrapping around my back, and I wondered if it meant anything, or if he was just doing it for his own comfort. "You haven't learned to block your thoughts at all."

I said nothing, only bit my lower lip until I could taste blood. Of course. Why should I have learned to do such a thing? They controlled me anyhow, those emotions. I could never conquer them in the least.

((Bastard. Your human blood has weakened you. Lykouleon weakened you when he turned you into what you are now. Now you feel pain, feel the pain and loneliness that is only possible to feel when you're a human. But...)) I jumped. He had never actively spoken to me when I was awake. He sounded the exact same, only...more distant, or something of the like. And it hurt. A lot.

"But what?" I snapped aloud, unsure of how to respond the way he had. "And don't do that. It hurts. My head already hurts from your fucking alcohol."

((You'll get used to it. Besides...I own you now.)) Fingers twining into the hair on the nape of my neck. I shuddered. But it was still all so distant. I felt myself slipping away. I wondered what he would do if I slipped into unconsciousness right there. 

"Own...me?" I slurred. I was well aware of how drunk I was, and he was obviously aware of it, so I was growing increasingly uneasy. He could easily tear my mind to pieces and retract every useful piece of information if I was completely out of it, as he had the night before. 

((Evidently. I had to work to trick you, didn't I? But now that you're here...I realize you're not half the person I expected you to be.)) More pain.

"What do you mean by that?" Anger growing slightly. Who was he to say I was weak? When he used kidnapping, mind control, and alcohol to get his way?

((I mean that you're in pain. I simply thought you wanted to die because life bored you, not because you were in such severe pain. Although I do find it...interesting...that someone like you knows what that sort of pain is. I only know of one other person who felt the way you did...)) He spoke slowly, as if anticipating what he was to say next. I was curious, and I wanted to ask him badly, but I resisted. More than likely he would merely shrug and tell me that this 'person' was long dead and gone. But he surprised me. ((I never suspected that you could possibly be like me, and be chained in such a similar way...))

No...so wrong.

"STOP IT!" I cried, jerking upright, trying to shrug his arm off, but he only tightened his hold. "You're lying. You don't know. You don't care. You just want to kill me, and you want to hurt me first. So you're going right for the emotional side of me first. I know that. I'm not a complete idiot! You're nothing but scum! At least most of your minions have the dignity to kill their enemies outright, not torment them a while first." I let the last words die out in a hiss. I wanted to say more, but the idea of what to say had suddenly escaped me.

He ignored me. ((Don't you even get it? You and I, we're alike. In fact...)) He leaned over me, his narrow, demonic eyes only inches from my own. I flinched as his hand reached up and slowly slid down the side of my face, but I was too angry to back down and jerk my head away. ((In fact,)) he continued. ((I believe we might just be the very same.))

I froze. The same? What the hell did that mean? "Stop fucking with me." I growled, finally smacking his hand away. 

"I'm not." he said aloud, which scared the shit out of me because he was so close to my face. "I'm being flat-out honest. If I was lying, I would have hurt you by now. I get bored easily, you know. I can't go very long without causing someone inordinate pain, and it's so very tempting to hurt you. Especially..." I stifled a cry as he wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me closer to him, both his hands brushing my shoulder blades and finally resting on them. "Especially right here."

"Don't. Fucking. Touch...me..." I gasped as he clenched one hand, digging his claws. Those god-damned long claws, underneath the bone. Not again...The pain the first time, even if it was only a dream, was painful enough for me to not want to repeat. Ever.

He laughed. "I can touch you all I want. I just won't hurt you. I wouldn't-ah-dream of doing that." he laughed quietly, his eyes not straying from mine. But what scared me the most was how close he was. I could feel him breathing, he was that close. And it made me uneasy. 

((Like it, do you? Like me being so close? I can hold you, if you want...)) He smiled. 

"GET THE HELL AWAY-" I yelled, the panic rising inside of me again. He knew...He was penetrating my mind, even when he said he wouldn't. or had he even said that? I was so confused. My head hurt...and he was so close. It was suffocating, being that near him, somebody who positively reeked of power. He could kill me in a second. He could kill me with his _eyes_ if he wanted to...

((You don't have to be so afraid of me. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone else, you know. And I wouldn't tell anybody if we did it once. Just here, you and I...and then it could be our little secret, neh? I think you're quite beautiful besides...))

I opened my mouth to say something, but gave up and closed it again. He was leaning over me now, his eyes boring into mine, and I couldn't tear them away. They were so vibrant, so exotic, so seductive...It was no wonder he had as many Yokai following him as he did. Anybody who distrusted him he only had to seduce, and they were forever his. Like he was wanting badly to do with me...

Or was I just wanting it? Then it hit me. "I know. You're just placing that shit into my head, aren't you?" I hissed. "You want me to be attracted to you. You want me to feel lonely enough to want to be with you. That's why you locked me up all alone for so long! And now you're only contact..."

"No." he sat back on his heels. "Although that would have been clever, wouldn't it have? I locked you up to make you crazy. I wanted answers from you. That was my initial plan. But things have changed. Now...that doesn't matter as much. But the loneliness came from you. And being interested in me came from yourself. Though I don't blame you." Smirk. "I find it...strange."

I didn't honestly know what to say to that. So I said nothing, just closed my mouth tightly and frowned, trying to avoid his eyes. But it was getting more difficult to do so. I was breaking out into a faint sweat, and was feeling growing discomfort in my abdomen, although I couldn't understand why. Most likely because he was there, sitting right next to me, his hands back on my shoulders, pushing me down into the couch...

It hit me then what he was doing. I let out a startled yelp and shoved him away, struggling to my feet. He let me do so, eyeing me suspiciously. "Shy, are we?" ((Maybe if you stopped acting so damn bitchy to everyone who liked you, you wouldn't feel so alone all the time. I know your type. You just take and take, absorbing friendships and relying on other people to give you what you want. But when people expect something out of you, you dump them aside and leave them for the dead. You just come to rely on how others reach out to you, but tell me, where are you left when they finally give up? Nowhere.

((That's why you're here.))

"I don't consider having _time_ with you something to do with friendship!" I spat, not only feeling defiled but mentally raped. He knew exactly what sort of person I was. He had just said so. So why couldn't he leave me alone?

((Not just that. You know what I meant.)) His voice was deadly calm. ((I wasn't going to elaborate that much for someone who knew very well what I was trying to get across.))

I said nothing, but the burning rage inside of me was already receding. I felt anything but calm around him, but I couldn't stay angry at him either. Why the hell was he so attractive to me? Was it because he was so evil, so cold-hearted and cruel? Because he was exactly like the sort of person I had always pretended to be? The person that is my exterior? Only he is like that through and through? I slowly stretched out a hand and touched his hand. He smiled and quickly twined his fingers around mine. 

((So you understand?))

"About what?" My voice was shaking. I was still drunk. Was that why I was acting the way I was? 

"It's not because you're drunk. but you can think that." he said simply. ((But anyway, about us being alike...I am all you want to be, all you wish to be, because I killed all of the pain long ago. I can show you how.))

"Show...me?" I grabbed his other hand as he stood up. _No...what are you doing?? He's the enemy. He hates you...he tried to kill you. _I ignored it.

In fact, I had half the mind to ignore everything except him by that point.

He had me seated on the edge of my bed before my mind started screaming again, screaming at me about what I was doing, begging me to turn back, kick him out, yell at him, make him just kill me instead of doing this... I tried to shrug it off, but it was difficult. Even though I was half-drunk, I was still having trouble with ignoring my halfway-decent thoughts.

((Give it up...)) he smiled, his hand on my head, running through my hair, down my neck... ((I won't rush you if you're scared. In fact, I'm really not up for it tonight.)) Smiling...

"I don't care." I grunted, shoving his hand away. "Get away from me. Now. I'm done. I don't know what I was thinking."

He shrugged. ((You will.)) He threw his cloak off and started to unbutton his shirt. 

"NO!" I cried, backing up. "Please...you're just a whore. Using me. If we're really that similar, then you'll just use me like I use everyone else."

"But we can use each other." Why did he have to keep switching like that? "Nothing so bad about a mutual...relationship."

I never had the chance to say anything else, because then he suddenly shoved me down onto my back, or at least somewhat, and clamped his hands over my thighs. I think I screamed, or something, because my ears hurt afterward, but I was drunk, after all...((Heh...)) Laughing. He was laughing in his head? My head? I couldn't think on it farther. His hands had slid along to the insides, and had moved up to rest against me. I writhed against him, terrified, all too aware of the growing discomfort I was feeling down there...Discomfort that I wanted more of. ((Has this ever happened to you before?)) He said after a minute.

"No...I-" He didn't like to let me get anywhere with my thoughts, I realized as his fingers closed over me. I squealed and grabbed his wrists, but he didn't let go, only met my eyes and smiled. And then he shoved me back again and finished unbuttoning his shirt. 

((You can touch me, if you want.))

I said nothing. I was starting to feel hot, and although he had let go I could still feel his powerful claws clamping tightly over me, crushing me...a subtle show of his power over me. He wanted to be dominant. I could tell that much, and he could overpower me easily if I resisted. But I didn't want that. I wanted to get him. So I merely sat up again and allowed him to slide backwards, holding his shoulders. He was suspiciously obedient, his eyes half-closed and flickering, as if he were already falling asleep. I was trying to avoid the massive amount of skin he was already showing. His pants were dangerously low, and had he not been wearing a belt they wouldn't have even been there. He knew I liked guys. So what the hell was he playing at? Or was he just that much of a slag that he'd accept even me?

I shrugged, trying not to think about it. It was quite easy really, with someone like him lying there beside me. I slowly ran my finger along his throat, waiting...waiting for him to grab the back of my neck and pull me down on top of him. And it came, quickly enough, with a bored ((You're too easy.)) as he kissed me gently. And I was beyond control by then. I bit into his lower lip, questioning the idea of entrance as the voice far back in my head continued its charade of _Evil...he's evil_. What the hell are you doing? Nadil didn't resist in the least. He opened his mouth quickly enough, running his tongue alongside mine and across my fangs as I did the same for him. And when I tried to pull away to breathe, he slammed me back down again. 

((I must say...who taught you to do it like this? And I don't expect an answer. But you must learn to talk like this quickly enough. If this continues, pretty soon you'll be in no position to get the air to talk.)) I knew what he meant, and I shuddered to think of it. But I wanted it...just not in the same way he did.

((I want to fuck you.)) I said simply, slightly shocked at my clarity. But then again, if he even heard me, if I had managed it right, he carefully ignored it.

He finally shoved me away, and I pulled myself off of him, kneeling beside him, maybe over him…Without really thinking about it, I slid my hands across his chest and he writhed. Immediately. I jumped, surprised at his sudden response. Had I been that fast? Or was he just trying to make it easy for me? I tried it again, sliding my hands down his sides until they rested on his hips, and pressed down with a good half of my weight. 

I suppose it was then when I really lost my dignity, and my mind, so it seemed. Within a second I saw the sheer beauty of him, and it was all because he was a pure Yokai, a complete creature of the darkness, a supine, powerful being…I wanted him. More than anything in the world, more than I had ever wanted death, I wanted to own him, to have him be mine. I stretched out over him and took both his hands, which he accepted and crushed in his own claws, twice as long as my fingers. An uglier part of my mind wondered faintly what else of him was that long, but I shoved it aside. I couldn't think about that right now. I had to concentrate on controlling him more than anything as I pressed my weight doen into him. He writhed, and was making purring noises from deep within his throat, his claws continually tightening around my hands, but I didn't care.

He was the most beautiful creature in the world, and he was mine at least for the moment. I suddenly let go, and he released my hands as I sat upright, making sure to slid my hands down his arms and across his chest, coming to a halt just at the end of his ribcage. I was sitting just below his hips, sharp and angular as they were-the perfect position to take advantage of him had we been wearing less. He didn't move, just grinned from half of his mouth, showing one of his fangs, and narrowing his eyes to slits. ((Not bad…Although I could do better.)) he said.

"Huh." I didn't want to speak. It was too much effort. I instead sat there, taking him in, deciding what to do next. I touched the side of his face, following the bones of his skull down to his throat and sliding down to touch his collarbone, which jutted out. Yokai were similar to elves in that fasion. They had similar bodies, with longer limbs and throats and more angular and sharper bones, yet elves did not have this…power rippling below their skin. I could sense it everywhere, all over him. I tentatively began stroking him in various places. Every time I touched him my own body shuddered as I felt the muscles and sinew under him slide away from my fingertips. He was like liquid beneath my touch, like a snake, always slithering away before I could fully grasp him, even if, as I watched, he never flinched. Instead, he seemed to move toward my touches, arching his body upward and leaning into me. And it continued for a time, my hands running across his slick, narrow body, feeling at the muscles and bones beneath his surprisingly thin skin. 

After a time, I was starting to grow impatient with that, and I leaned over him again, forcing his mouth open with my tongue for the second time that night. He reacted the same as before, although he bit into me more painfully and was a lot more forceful. Could tongues bruise?

((Idiot.)) he laughed inside my head. So I gave up the thought and continued rubbing against him. And as the time passed I slid my mouth away from his, lowering it down his jawbone to his throat, where I slowly sunk my fangs through his skin. That was where I got the most startled reaction, and something from him other than a purr or a moan. He grunted and jumped slightly, as only he could with me over him like that. His blood was beautiful. But I didn't get to taste much, for his claws came up alongside my face and gently pulled me away from the wound. ((Kiss me again. Blood and all.))

So that was why. I agreed.

I don't know how much time passed, or even what happened beyond that point exactly, for I was struggling against my severe headache and my growing case of hormones and nerves. But what I do remember is unbuckling his belt and starting to slide my hand beneath his waistband, only to have his claws stop me with a calm ((Not tonight. But soon.)).

"I don't want to wait." I snapped without thinking. "I want it now. I want you now."

((You're an idiot. Don't you realize how shaken up you are just now? You're shivering, and sweating everywhere. There's no point in going any farther if you're going to faint from shock or ecstasy on me.)) He started to sit up, but I grabbed him, wrapping my arms around him tightly and inhaling his scent, as I had last night without even knowing it was him.

"Don't leave me alone." I muttered, licking at the blood still running freely down his neck. I realized it was pooling at his collarbone and gently sucked at it, groping his chest with one hand until he grabbed it away.

((Later.))

_I want to be on top…I want to be the master of you. I don't want anyone else to ever touch you…_I breathed to myself, praying he could hear. Or did I want him to hear? I raised my head up to kiss him again, not bothering to slap his hand away when he dug his claws into my thigh. I instead only opened slightly, at least enough for his hand to slip inside and grab me through the thin fabric of my pants. Tighter this time, more painful. I shuddered as the heat shot up through my back.

He had heard, and he obviously intended it to be the other way around. Entirely. But I had other plans…Yes, other plans indeed. 

"I'm leaving. Good night." He said abruptly, shoving me back down and snatching up his cloak. He looked confused, but also…excited? I couldn't be sure, so I let it drop as I sunk down into the covers. They smelled of him now, after he had writhed around in them for as long as he had. 

I smiled to myself as the sleep began to close in. He was right, I had exhausted myself, and the wine hadn't helped much either. 

I don't know, but I think I dreamed of him.

End part 2.

080803 To be continued.


End file.
